How To Make Mango Float: The White Person Way

One of the first things Jenny and I did when she arrived in the US, after embracing each other and peeing at the airport twice, was make mango float. I can’t even remember which weekend we did this; if it was the first or second. I’m also fairly certain it lasted just a day as mango float is Jenny’s favorite dessert. Plus, she had a large white man with a big appetite and no self-control help her finish it off.

Mango float is a legendary Bee Food. Early on in our relationship I knew it was Jenny’s greatest desire aside from going a full day without talking to someone. I even went to a Filipino restaurant back in December of 2013 by myself to try it, just to feel a little closer to her.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to eat mango float again for a long time after my first taste. On our first Beecation in October 2015 we searched a long time at the local mall for mango float. We failed, miserably. Then on the second Beecation, at the same mall, we accidentally came across a restaurant we passed multiple times had added it to the menu. Of course, we had to eat here and Jenny had to take embarrassing photos of me.

We ate mango float again at her home, but we never had the opportunity to make it with each other until last month when she was in the US. After assembling all the ingredients at the grocery store and nearly getting run over by obese neighbors in electronic scooters, we headed back home to create a delicious treat that stood no chance at surviving more than a couple of hours.

This is what we all hope to see whenever a fat person on a scooter passes by us at the grocery store.
This is what we all hope to see whenever a fat person on a scooter passes by us at the grocery store.

Going off memory, mango float requires these ingredients:

-Condensed Milk
-Cream
-Graham Crackers
-Mangos

I think that’s it? Maybe not. But if it’s not, remember that this is the white people’s recipe. If you really want true, authentic mango float then I recommend visiting the Philippines or doing the opposite of what I say.

The first step is to mix one serving of condensed milk with two servings of cream. It’s a 1 to 2 serving ratio. Jenny and I ended up using one can of the condensed milk and two of the cream. You stir these in a giant bowl. In our case, we used the one I used to make my salads in then turned into the bowl I’d wash my feet with. Now, it’s our mixing bowl. Isn’t evolution great?

This bitch is totally grinning because she washed her feet in her friend's salad bowl too.
This bitch is totally grinning because she washed her feet in her friend’s salad bowl too.

After you’ve mixed these well and Jenny has finished doing whatever it is she was in the bedroom, you can start with the bottom layer which, if I remember correctly, was graham crackers. Of course, we didn’t go the traditional route by buying pre-crushed graham crackers as they’re not very common in the US. Instead, I spent about 20 minutes crushing them up by hand and a few more tossing them into a blender. I must say, there’s something very rewarding about crushing anything in a blender. I totally get why the mob uses these on snitches’ fingers.

From there you will go layer by layer until your ingredients are gone. It goes: graham crackers, the condensed milk/cream creation, more graham crackers and mangoes, condensed milk/cream creation, etc. with the pattern continuing. Looking this over again, I think you might start with the condensed milk/cream goo rather than the crushed-up graham crackers. I’m not sure it matters anyway. When it turns into a food angel (poop) it all looks the same. These, I should mention, are placed into a square container such as Tupperware. It must be square because how else will you fight with others over who gets the corner piece?

Ready to eat!
Ready to eat!
Literally 30 seconds later...
Literally 30 seconds later…

After everything is placed inside of your Tupperware you can place it inside the freezer overnight. This is the toughest part of all so I recommend making mango float right before you drink yourself to sleep or get concussed via failed suicide; a favorite pre-bed tradition of mine.

When you wake up in the morning a few weeks later, your mango float will be ready! For those who wake up early from their coma, mango float likely only takes about 6 hours to freeze over. When it does, you can dig in and eat.

And that’s how you make mango float, the white people way.

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