A Lie I Told My Fiancée This Morning

I lied to my fiancée today. This is my confession.

Each day when I get on the train for my commute she asks if I’m safe. Today I said I was when really I wasn’t.

How could I know doom was lurking only one stop away? At the time she asked I truly was safe. Shortly thereafter, even as I write this, I’m anything but.

A mouth breather is hovering over me. A 5’7 man whose nose is not serving its purpose has conveniently positioned himself way too close for comfort. I even stepped on his foot lightly just to passively let him know I better not have any of my oxygen sucked up into his mouth.

Napoleon Dynamite is a great example of a mouth breather and a character nobody talks about after turning 17.
Napoleon Dynamite is a great example of a mouth breather and a character nobody talks about after turning 17.

If you’re unfamiliar, a mouth breather is someone who tends to breathe solely through their mouth even while at rest. It’s pretty self-explanatory and totally not the correct way we’re designed to continue living. Mouth breathers stand there dumbfounded like the first ape to witness a tool being used with the comprehension that it was good. They come in many different forms. The one thing they all have in common is I hope a bug flies down their throat and they choke even if just a little.

Breathing is not very tough. Just ask Jeff Buckley! Or maybe not…that’s a bad example.

It’s astonishing how unaware some people are of their own gross habits. I don’t think mouth breathers have any clue what they’re doing. They are the Donald Trump voters of people going about their day; completely oblivious to the way their own shit stinks.

Wait that’s not shit. That’s their breath I smell!

Sorry, Jenny for lying. I didn’t know I’d have miserable train ride to work with a hunched over mouth breather bumping into me. If ever there was a time you should use one of your witch’s curses it’s now.

After yesterday’s petition approval, I’m sure Jenny is real excited to join me for my commute. Today’s train ride made me miss jeepneys.

There's sticking out like a sore thumb and then there's sticking out like a white man on a jeepney.
There’s sticking out like a sore thumb and then there’s sticking out like a white man on a jeepney.
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